Core D: Boundaries and Safe Coping

Boundaries are: 

  • healthy, values-based limit setting 
    • what is OK for you based on your wants, needs, and internal experience 
  • exist within a relationship to keep that relationship operating at it’s best where both people feel safe and valued 

  • exist within self to promote a sense of trust and security within 

    Examples: 

  • Saying, “I will need to remove myself from this conversation if the name-calling continues” when a family member criticizes your decisions. 
  • Respecting and understanding when a friend is unable to hang out this evening because they need “me” time. 

  • Saying “no” when asked to pick up a shift at work and you are tired or already have plans Giving myself time to process, “Let me think about that and get back to you.” before giving an immediate answer. 

    My Boundaries 

    Making Space

    New Boundaries with others I'd like to try: _______________________________________________________
  • What would happen if I made this change?  _______________________________________________________
  • What would happen if things stay the same?  _______________________________________________________

  • What coping can help me?  _______________________________________________________

    New boundaries with self I’d like to try: _______________________________________________________
  • What would happen if I made this change? _______________________________________________________
  • What would happen if things stay the same? _______________________________________________________
  • What coping can help me?  _______________________________________________________ 

Boundaries and Safe Coping

Example:

 

Old WayNew Way
Trigger Situation:My mother keeps criticizing my decisions.My mother keeps criticizing my decisions.
Your coping:I get overwhelmed and resentful. I just let her talk at me until she’s done. Sometimes I turn off my phone and binge-watch until 2AM.I set a boundary by asking her to stop criticizing me—it is hurting me. And I can’t listen to it right now and will leave the room (or hang up and take some space) if necessary.
Consequence:I feel walked over. I know staying up won’t make me feel better in the long term- I am tired the next day and don’t feel like doing anything.I feel better like I have taken control. She seemed surprised and didn’t like hearing it, but it was OK.

Now fill in one for you:

 

Old WayNew Way
Trigger Situation:

                                                              

                                                                                  

                                                                                          
Your coping:

 

 

 
Consequence: